A Heavy Heart

The loss of my nephew has been a real struggle for me.  I am glad that Ryan, Rebekah and I went to St. Louis as soon as he passed away in the sense that it made it feel real.. but certain things I encounter on a day-to-day bases makes me think of him.  His name was Benjamin.  It was a hard situation in itself due to the fact that it was my brothers girl friend who was pregnant.  It was a struggle with my family but we knew that we wanted to be apart of their lives so by casting them out from this was not an option.  I am struggling with guilt from some of the feelings I felt not only during the time of the pregnancy but the history even before then from years prior.  Since the passing of Ben, Sarah (my brothers girl friend) has graciously given us loads of baby supplies.  She said that she can't stand looking at them so she had to return/give away everything she had received from her baby shower.  As soon as she showed me the stuff, I broke down.  And even as I am finding space for it with Bekah's stuff, my heart aches SO much.  This was supposed to be for Ben.  How could a full term baby die in a mother's womb?  I do admit that when it happened, I was very mad at God for allowing this to happen which I am in no way proud of.  Was this the best situation for this baby?  Probably not.. but could everything work out fine?  Most definetly.  Then what happened?  What causes a cyst to form and explode that caused Ben to lose oxygen and die within the matter of minutes?  Even as I type this, tears poor down.  I am still struggling with his death.  I know he is in Heaven with the Lord.. I think my guilt comes mainly from my feelings of resentment that I regret full heartedly.  I had such a wicked heart with this situation..and it almost feels like it was my fault.  I know it wasn't.. and we may never know why this occured... but no matter what, he is still not here with us today.  My heart goes out to my brother and his girlfriend.. I couldn't imagine losing Bekah so close to her due date.  Just to feel her kicking in my stomach and then not at all.. I never want to question the maker of the universe.. and I trust that we have a fair and just God.  I do praise the Lord for the closeness with my brother and his girlfriend within my family that came along with his passing.  I may never feel that it is fair what happened.. and I don't know if my heart will ever not hurt from this.. that song from Casting Crowns comes to mind.  

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down 
and wiped our tears away, 
stepped in and saved the day. 
But once again, I say amen 
and it's still raining 
as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain, 
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away. 

Chorus: 
And I'll praise you in this storm 
and I will lift my hands 
for You are who You are 
no matter where I am 
and every tear I've cried 
You hold in your hand 
You never left my side 
and though my heart is torn 
I will praise You in this storm 

I remember when I stumbled in the wind 
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again 
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on 
if I can't find You 
and as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain 
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away 

Chorus 

I lift my eyes onto the hills 
where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth 
I lift my eyes onto the hills 
where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

So as I scavenge around trying to find a home for these items that were given to us, my heart aches. Death is never easy but I feel like a baby's death is a little different from the death of someone else in the family.  I can't explain it and maybe it's just the situation this time?  I praise God everyday for such an amazing little girl.  I know to take nothing for granted.. and I feel that God has really shown me a lot during this time in my life.  

"Give thanks to the Lord always, and again I say REJOICE!"